Back to work

The bright side is that I got to be home with T nearly everyday for two years.  I am so thankful for that. It was rougher some days than others but I am really glad for that time.

The downside is that that is coming to an end next week.  It's so hard.  I can't believe.  Part of me just wants to curl up into a ball and cry.  I would do just about anything to stay home with him longer.  But I can't.  Financially it is just not an option.  Oh I Hate that!

I found a great care giver.  She is hispanic and most of the kids in her care are african american. I took him today for a trial run (mostly for me).  Cried as soon as I left (me not him).  T had a good time today playing with his new friends.  He told me "I did so much stuff.  I had so much fun". I'm glad he did well but Yep-still hate it.

Tesfa Day

It's been two years since T came home TWO YEARS!  I can hardly believe it.  Since Joel was home on Labor Day we decided to head to Dayton to the Airforce Museum to celebrate Tesfa day.

  I thought it would be fun to photograph Lovie and see how he changes over the next year too. 

So grateful that I get to be his Mommy.  

Hello Rock Bottom-I hadn't missed you.

Ok maybe not rock bottom but damn what a slap in the face.  Got a letter telling me that my medical claim is probably going to be denied even though i have two years of journal details to show the difficulty I've had with this injury.  Court next week-probably a losing battle.

Paypal still hasn't explained where my missing money is and won't for ...oh yeah same day I go to court  I can call them to see if they found my money yet.

And to top it off I was really hoping for a call from another perspective employer or at least an official offer from the first.  Nada.

Feeling a little defeated.

Feeling Stuck

I feel so stuck right now.  I'm interviewing today for a job that provides an awesome service and is really responsible for helping people.  The hours are good (no nights-no weekends) but the pay will be mediocre.

Or do I try something totally different?  Go for broke (which is kinda a laughable analogy)?  Hours would be long but pay has much greater potential.

If I didn't have a doodle I would do the second.  I am willing to work my butt off but the thought of less and less time with T breaks my heart.

On the flip side I have seen what financial stress does to a family and that is also not good.  My parents are a mess.  Marriage in trouble and a lot of it is due to finances and bad planning.  I love my parents-really i do.  But I dont want to end up like them.

My in-laws planned very well with average (or below average) salaries.  My MIL works for a non-profit and doesn't make much at all.  My FIL is a retired teacher.  So not exactly the corporate exec types rolling in the dough.  BUT they have put money away, planned for retirement, paid for the kids college and are still able to help us when we are in a pinch.  That's the kind of parents I want us to be.  My son doesn't need to have everything but he does deserve our help with school, weddings and even his kids when he needs it.  And if he doesn't need our help--then that's just more money for Joel and I to retire with and travel the world with.

Being a grown up sucks!  I really want someone else to tell me what to do (at least about this decision).

Shaking

So I just called to schedule a job interview for Monday.  I'm teary and shaking a little.  Not nervous about the interview at all.  Nervous because I'm pretty sure I'll get the job--which is good. However, the thought of putting T into daycare sucks! As someone who has worked in child care for years I am used to telling parents "It's harder on you then it is on them".  Now I guess I need someone to tell me that.

Divine Intervention

when people say that adoption is "meant to be" a get a little sick to my stomach.  Why?  Why would God do something so horrible just to bless me with my son.  I am blessed to have him and I don't understand for the life of me why I got so lucky.

Want to read a great article written by an adoptee on this subject? Land of Gazillion Adoptees Read Here

Where we are now

Right now I'm looking for work.  It sucks!  I've applied to a couple of places that I feel have great potential for the long term.  I haven't got a call back---yet.

We have agreed/decided that it's a little too early for us to start the process of adoption #2 right now.  We need to get caught up on finances before having another child.

We are leaning toward adopting again from Ethiopia and being a little more open on special needs.

So if/when the job comes through that will be an indication of how open we can be--how good is the insurance etc...

Part of me really wants to jump in with both feet and start the adoption now--part of me is pretty happy the way we are--for now.

A Child

Lets call this child "M".  I saw a profile picture of M about two months ago.  Haven't got M out of my head since. Thought of 100 ways that we could make this work.  My husband doesn't love that, but is warming up to the idea.

 M is 5 and bi-racial.  I had hoped that was why M was on the list, but things are never as simple as I want them to be.  I have a feeling we won't be a good match for M but am looking into it regardless ( because I have to know).  Adopting out of birth order may not work for us.  I know very little about M-none of M's history just what they post on the website (age, likes, simple stuff).  Adoption is many things-simple is never one of them.

I'm sad that this child may not become apart of our family but sadder wondering if/when he will become a part of any family.  I'm sad that M has experienced such a trauma (whatever that may be).

Update: got word that it is a no go for us.  thought i'd feel relived but really just cried.

My Son

He is bright and brilliant.  He is a handful sometimes.  He makes me laugh.  He is the love of my life.  He frustrates me sometimes.  He is the best part of my day.

One day he may get into trouble-maybe he'll do one of the 100 things that I did (and never got caught at).

He is a black male that will be judged according to what the media tells people.  This worries me greatly.  Not sure how to change the story that "they" like to tell, but it needs to be done.

Realization

Well it's really pretty obvious but I have come to the realization that we will not be able to have another child if I do not go back to work full-time. Having mixed emotions about this. Part of me looks forward to having a "regular" job with somewhat set hours. The thoughts of more freedom on the weekends seems nice (as opposed to photographing an event every weekend). As much as I'd love to stay home with T until he hits kindergarden I just don't think that is going to happen. I've went back and forth so many times on what makes someone a good mom. Of course, this was before I had a kiddo of my own (when we all know I was the best mother-pre child). I wondered why someone would give up a successful career "just" yes I said just to have kids. Then I wondered why on earth you would have them if you couldn't stay home. Now (post child) I realize you don't have to give up on either. That leaving the house everyday to earn a paycheck doesn't make you any better or worse of a mother. I want what is best for T. And worrying about money and worrying about being able to have another child isn't in his best interest.

Heartbreak

The last few weeks have been challenging around this house. Tesfa has been difficult to say the least. He is excessively clingy with mommy-not letting daddy change a diaper or anything. I'm worn out! The mommy, mommy, mommy screaming is exhausting to hear and handle. I find myself yelling at him for yelling-more than normal.

Then I see a friend post on facebook about her childs "traumaversary" and I literally cry. I have been so wrapped up in the chaos that I forgot the significance of this month. It is not only his birth month but also the time that he was separated from his Enat. Now the worst part is that I thought about these dates a month ago and thought "hhhmmmm, I wonder how he'll be" then i forgot about his trauma and only thought of mine.

It's sometime easy to overlook details of the life he had before we knew him.

The next step: Adoption #2?

I think it might be about time. I think. Not 100% certain but we are considering the next adoption. Of all the things I am not certain of the one I am is that it won't be international. We won't be adopting from Ethiopia. This literally makes me weep. I would love for T to have an Ethiopian sibling. But, right now, I don't feel comfortable adopting from there. And lets be honest money is an issue.

So where does that leave us? I have been emailing back and forth with the people at HelpUsKids. Considering doing foster to adopt. BUT and there is always a but...there are very few infants/toddlers to be adopted out of foster care. So do we break birth order? My biggest concerns if we would do that are Tesfa-how will he feel with me spending time, taking care of, loving an older child? i think he would be fine with a baby-actually I know he would. If anything he would be jealous that I am the one taking care of the baby and not him. But what about a 5 or 6 year old?

And what would that do to an "older" child? Would the jealousy be too much for them when competing with a toddler?

So much more to consider.

Race doesn't matter

In the last few weeks I've been thinking about how naive I was (am). When we started the adoption process I wrote an email to the woman who would become our (first) social worker. I told her we wanted a baby and "race didn't matter". Because it didn't-at the time. What that comment really meant was that I would love a child regardless of their race. But race mattered very much-I just didn't know how much.

Before the shooting of Trayvon Martin I was worrying about Tesfa's identity. How do I teach him american history in regards to race and culture when that isn't his history? But how do I tell him about Ethiopian culture and heritage when he isn't living that day to day? Tesfa is an african american male who came from Ethiopia and trying to navigate how to make him aware of both cultures is going to be interesting (challenging).

But Post-Trayvon Martin's death is a whole new story. Now I worked with kids for years. 80% or more of them were black. I knew that racism existed but I had no idea to what degree. I keep seeing posts on facebook saying "race doesn't matter". Its' not their fault they don't know. Because we (white people) never really know--at least not until one of our kids is black and then we have to do everything we can to try to figure it out. I'll never really know. But I will do my best to understand.

Trayvon

I'm so upset by this case. I know most of my friends are as well. I mean, lets face it, most of my friends have black children and even black MALE children. I know a lot of people are sharing Trayvons story. But what upsets me the most is the people that attack me for being Pro-Choice- the people that are sitting here bitching about Obama and how is to blame for gas prices aren't saying a word about this. Because if they did it could lead to a conversations about stronger gun laws.

I'd like to share this on fb but I am trying to be a good ally and I'm not sure if this is detracting from Trayvon's story, but in the end maybe Trayvon's death could help keep another kid from being killed.

Unwanted-the tough questions begin

I knew one day-sorta soon-Tesfa would start to ask questions. We'll do our best to answer them as honestly and age appropriately as we can. I really thought that I had at least a year or two before this was going to leap into our lives.

I was however caught a little off guard by my now 5 year old nephew-A. We celebrated his birthday this past weekend and his mom and I were talking before the party. She said that A has started to ask really difficult questions. One day he asked about the death of his great grandmother. She answered as best as she could and tried to explain things so he would understand. A day or two later he started talking about his beloved cousin. "Who had him?" he asked. K, my sil, explained that there was a woman in Ethiopia that had given birth to him. And then my heart sunk as she told me his next question, " She didn't want him?". I know it is a very hard concept for children to understand but the hard part is knowing that T will be asked that question many more times or we will be asked in front of him. My heart aches for him to ever think he was unwanted.

YMCA

Not the song-bring back bad memories-but the actual YMCA. Went for a visit today. I think we are going to join as a family. I could really use some exercise. I haven't worked out since before my sinus surgeries. My weight has gotten at least 10 lbs high then I'd like to admit. Nope not saying what it is. Maybe I'll tell you once I lost a few.

The best part is that they will watch T for 2.5 hours at a time. The thought of doing an aerobics class or hitting the treadmill uninterrupted sounds awesome. He was in the kids area for about an hour today. At first he didn't want me to leave so I stayed and played for about 10 minutes. Then I kissed him and said goodbye and he was good to go.

When I peeked on him and went back to pick him up he was playing very nicely but by himself. The room was pretty full at that point so I thought some social interaction would be good for him. He cried when we left the room so I took that as a good sign. Hopefully he'll continue to like going and playing with someone elses toys.

Video Lifebook

We watched most of Tesfa's video lifebook today. For the first time he seemed really curious about it. He asked to see one part of it over and over again-then said "scawy done". A few minutes later he asked to see it again. Hard to know if it was just him being tired or being overwhelmed by seeing his life. So much to process-for both of us.

Potty, Potty & Doctor

Yesterday we celebrated Gena with my side of the family-since we didn't see them on Dec 25. Tesfa kept telling me he "pooped" and said "diiiaper". I checked him-nothing. I told him he was probably gassy. So for 30 minutes on the way home he kept saying gassy.

This morning he has a diarrhea diaper--not shocking-another canine is coming and this is pretty typical. After a bath he sat on the potty for the first time. He pee'd just a little but I was pretty excited. A couple hours later I asked if he wanted to wear a big boy 'Mater pull-up (he is obsessed with Cars and loves Mater). He was excited and sat down again on the potty. This time I was quite alarmed. First I thought he was having diarrhea then realized it was blood. I cleaned him up-ran and googled-then ran to the dr.

Doctor didn't seem alarmed or see much wrong. She did laugh quite a bit when Tesfa told her he was "gassy". So hoping it was a fluke. I think we'll wait a day to try the potty again.

Work & Weddings & What Not

Since adopting Tesfa I have put my career on hold-actually for a year before adopting him because of the uncertainty of timing. Part of me regrets this, part of me thinks I needed a break.

Since 2000 I have photographed weddings, charity events, senior portraits, families and well a little bit of everything. Some of it has been really hard on me-mentally and emotionally. I get very invested in my clients and what I do. I have had a few set backs. There was the time it took us 36 hours to get to Cabo to photograph a wedding, a legal dispute with a client who wasn't truthful with her family, and even a call from Oprah (honest to goodness)==ok not Oprah-but one of her people.

So now I am jumping back into work. I don't plan to photograph 35+ weddings a year but would like to do 10-15. This is making me very happy. I am trying to look at any complants my clients have had and find a way to fix them. Really the only complaint I have gotten (besides a bride doesn't like her make up....uh really? ) is that weddings albums take so long. I regularly hear "I've been waiting a year for my album". It's hard to find a really nice way to say, your wedding was a year ago but you just ordered your album 2 months ago. With so many services that offer simple albums in a week or two brides (and their families) have a hard time believing it takes time to design, retouch, print and produce their books. So I'll make sure to stress that fact, evenmore.

Now to find time to balance taking care of doodle, answering calls from clients and editing weddings till 3a.m.

Happy New Year

What a difference a year makes. I like to believe there is just a little bit a baby left in him but I'm not so sure.