Judgement Day

March 4th is judgement day. No I don't mean the second coming of Christ. It will mark our 6th month home. Everyone tells you not to judge anything you do the first 6 months of bringing home your child. Survival mode kicks in and you do what you need to do to get through this huge transition.

So now let me be the judge. When we left Ethiopia with Tesfa I thought to myself I 'daycare loved him'. I cared about him and wanted to make sure he was ok and loved him like I loved many kids that had been in my care. This was sufficient. Joel and I were at his beck and call. If we were down stairs watching tv and heard the smallest wimper from his crib it would send us running to him. He was fed whenever he was the slightest bit hungry (sometime I don't even think he was hungry he just wanted to know he was going to be fed). He consumed over 50 ounces of formula a day. About 3 months after coming home I realized his food anxiety was diminishing and is now gone.

While in Ethiopia I joked that I was the 'perfect mom'.

Are you going to use cloth diapers? Yes, I am the perfect mother.

Are you going to co-sleep?

Whatever the question "Yes, I am the perfect mother" was the response. Now of course it was a joke but I am learning more and more that I am not the perfect mother. I don't know if there is such a thing.

I thought I would never want to put him down. I didn't picture myself being ready to run from the house the second my husband came home. I thought I would have endless patience but often found myself crying while trying to get Tesfa to nap. Much of what I thought turned out not to be the case. I never wondered if we had ruined our lives by adding our little boy to the family, but I realized how people could find themselves in that position. The worst part is that I thought I was prepared for the worst. I read about attachement problems, extreme food anxiety, and just about everything else you could think of.

I thought I was prepared to have him sleep in our room for at least a year, but after a few months I was ready to put him in his own room. I actually thought I was going to "breast feed". I had purchased a medela nursing system and was "prepared" to use it. But it only held 3 ounces of formula, was a huge pain in the ass to attach and Tesfa was frustrated trying to figure it out. We only tried it once. With his food anxiety it was not worth it.

The hardest part I think came in November. I had to prepare to take of another child. I was going to start watching my friends little girl 3 days a week. I think added more anxiety for me then I realized. As Tesfa would scream at the thought of sleep all I could think is how am I going to do this and take care of O. Even this week as Tesfa has been converted to a drool and snot factory thanks to teething I wonder how will I get through this and take care of her. Is it ideal-NO! But we figure out a way to make it work.

Friends also told us that we might come home and have a fear of someone taking T away from us. I didn't think this was the case but I did have several dreams about people chasing us and trying to get Tesfa. I ran as fast I as could carrying our baby in hopes that no one would "get him". Even recently I have had thoughts of what if for some reason we were told to give him back to his birth mother. I couldn't imagine my life without him. I find myself more in love with him everyday.

And there was one more thing I was "prepared" for. I really wasn't sure about some family members. Were they going to treat him differently? And if so we were going to need to cut ties with them. The thought broke my heart but I wasn't going to allow anyone to treat my son like a second class citizen. Luckily (not sure that 's the best word for it) the biggest complaint we have gotten is that they don't get to see him enough. If it were up to them we would move a block away from them so they could see T everyday.

Sorry for the even more then normal scattered thoughts. As I try to write my drool factory of a boy beckons.

Technically we haven't been home six months yet-that comes on Friday. So I still have 4 days to become the perfect mother. It seems doubtful.