Leaving our comfort zone

The last few months/weeks have been eye opening. I attended a discussion lead by authors Kevin Hoffman & Rhonda Roorda both of them were adopted transracially. I recently finished Kevin's Book, Growing Up Black in White. And today I finished a book, Beyond Good Intentions. It was written by Cheri Register who also wrote Are Those Your Kids. Listening to Kevin & Rhonda speak and reading these two books helped me realize more and more that I need to break out of my comfort zone. Being friends with other adoptive parents is going to be "enough".

I've been debating about emailing a fellow photographer (who is black). She is amazing and we have shared business ideas and help each other when needed. I didn't know what she would think about meeting up for lunch or a playdate. Is it weird to say, 'Can we please be friends outside of work stuff not just because I think you are cool, but because my son needs us to be friends'. Well I emailed her about getting together and I suspect she'll be happy to. I didn't tell her that I am hoping we can become lifelong friends so our kids can grow up together and help each other navigate through lifes hurdles-I'll wait and do that face to face.

We (and by we I mean I but my husband will go along with just about anything for our son's sake) have been considering church. We are hoping to find a diverse church to attend. I'm just not sure if I need to find an all or almost all black church or if a 50/50 mix is enough. I don't think I would feel uncomfortable either way. My concern with a diverse church is that we will wind up making friends with the white families by some sort of default. I've been to black churches for work-photographing weddings and even attended events for some of "my kids". I have alway felt very welcome. I'm not sure if that will be different now that I have a black son.

Happy & Sad

Yesterday we had our 6 month check up at the IAC. It went well. The Dr. was amazed at his growth chart and the P.T. was a little puzzled. I had answered a few questions on his assessment without understanding them and put the wrong thing. So he scored slightly below average on motor skills (all others he tested normal!!!!). The PT took us into her room with some toys and T wouldn't sit still. He immediately took a toy from a small basket (which is one of the thing I incorrectly said he doesn't do). She put him on the floor on his back and wanted him to sit up and he wouldn't because he doesn't do that yet. "So he doesn't sit up, but he can walk"? YEP! She said he clearly had not read any of her text books. She wanted to see him pointing to things and crawling on 4 point (he does an army crawl). So sure enough what does he do today? Both! Lately I am just beaming with pride for my little boy. He has come such a long way in such a short time.

My joy was short lived. When we got home I saw an email from our agency. It stated that families currently waiting in the ET program are encouraged to look at other programs. I got teary and looked and Tesfa and nearly lost it. We barely made it through before all these delays hit. I couldn't imagine waiting 2 years or more and being asked to switch programs. I was so thankful and felt/feel so selfish for being relived about T being home. I feel awful for the kids who will go without parents longer and I feel bad for waiting families. I don't know what the "right" thing is to do, but I am certain increased protections for the kids are a good thing. I also felt very sad that we may not be able to give T an Ethiopian brother or sister like we had hoped. We have debated about Et or domestic for adoption #2 but I feel as though that decision has been made for us.

Thursday Thoughts: Gushing

So I just have to say that I love him more and more all the time. He took his first steps on St. Patrick's day and thinks his pretty hot Sh*t. His favorite thing to do is walk (two or three steps) to the leap frog and then turn around and fall face first so that you catch him. It's very cute and funny and a little scary. Glad that he trusts me to catch him but hope he doesn't decide to try it when I am across the room one day. Yesterday I left him to play with out neighbors for a few minutes and came back over and he was so happy to see me, walked about 6 steps and gave me kisses.

He also decided to shake his head 'no' to all questions...want a million dollars?, does mommy love you?, are you a crazy baby? He lets out a smile and a little giggle while doing it just to make sure you know how cute he is.

I have become the mother that tells you all the AWESOME things her kid does (even when all the other kids are doing them as well), because somehow it is so much more incredible that my kid does it :-)

I am so proud of him. I can't believe his birthday is just over a week away. I can't wait to see his smiley face covered in cake.

Blog Diversity

Since we got home with T I haven't been keeping up on posting or reading blogs much but I am getting back into it now. I am trying to expand what I read so that I am not simply reading the perspective of the PAP or AP. I've added a few blogs from birthmothers and am looking for more from adult adoptees. Those two perspectives seem to be lacking from my blog roll, but they are the ones I want to read most right now.

Got a favorite blog from an adoptee or birth mom you'd like to share?

Big Baby

So I was giving Tesfa his bottle before laying him down for his nap and I felt so sad. He is switching over to milk now and will soon be done with bottles. I used to dread nap time but even then I liked giving him his bottle. I enjoy swaddling him and holding him and he enjoys it too. I've never really felt sad about the time we missed with Tesfa(until today)-partly because he was so young when he came home and partly because it seems selfish to grieve that time. The time I missed with him is nothing in comparison to the time his birthmother is missing. But there I was getting all teary thinking about handing him a sippy cup with meals and just laying him in his crib at nap time.

I know I don't have to stop the bottle the day he turns one but it still made me sad.

Diversity

I've been thinking a lot about diversity. A few months ago I had a conversation with a close friend about diversity. We both tried to make a point that the other didn't see to get. It went on for awhile. Eventually I said, "it depends on what you think is diverse".

I remember taking a class on Educational Policy my last quarter at OSU. There was a speaker that came in. I don't remember her name or why she was selected to speak to us. She was black probably mid to late twenties. I sat in this classroom with about 30 other students and I think all but one were white. Our discussion was based on the diversity of schools in Columbus. One student said that he was prepared for it because he went to OSU and OSU is Very Diverse. The woman said with a half laugh "OSU is very diverse-I've never heard that before". It was a lightbulb moment for me. Columbus seemed SOOOO diverse to me. I grew up in an area that was 99% white. So being at a school that had people from around the world seemed like diversity at its best. It never clicked with me that in all of my classes at OSU there were still only 1 maybe 2 black students in a room of 30 or more kids.

So what makes a city or school diverse? If you are white and you live in an area that you think is diverse ask yourself if you would still think it is diverse the racial make up were switched? I mean is an area that is 90% white diverse? It may seem so if you are white. But what if it were just the opposite? If 10% of people in your town/school were white would it still feel diverse?

It's a sign

Ok not really. I can't get this boy to sign no matter what I do. Any suggestions? I've been thinking about giving him yogurt or something he really loves after his lunch and only giving him one bite until he signs. Or at least trying to make him sign to get a bite. Is that cruel?

My Two Front Teeth

Tesfa first two teeth. One has been in for two weeks the other about a week. I finally got an ok snapshot of them.

Thursday Thoughts

So much is going on. Last night was the first official meeting of Enkutatash planning. It was a small group but we are far ahead of the game compared to last year. We are debating on some changes to the daily activities. Seleshi recommended doing a dance/party at the end of the day. I think it is a great idea. But we will need lots of volunteers.

Also, I received word that I am officially an EOR board member. I feel honored to apart of what I thought was a rather elite group ( but they must let anyone in :-) I feel compelled to give back whatever I can to Ethiopia and especially to the children who are there. The news of what is happening in ET just makes me want to work harder. While we were in Ethiopia all I could think was "Wow, we got a lot of work to do." I am realistic and don't expect to change the world but you have to start somewhere, right?

Maybe a mama's boy afterall

Tesfa has been so excited to Joel everyday when he comes home and for the most part really just wants to be with him when he is home. But recently he has been all about Mama. I'm not sure why the shift? Maybe because he hasn't been feeling well and I am the one that has been taking care of him (for the most part). Maybe it is because he realizes Joel is coming home everyday?

So now I find myself thinking maybe I have "spoiled" him. He barely lets me put him down lately. Not sure this is a good or bad thing.

Tesfa at 11 months: Strengths & Weakness

Strengths:

85% of the time he is a joy and I can't even stand how much I love him.

He now pushes a walker and can make it clear down the drive way and to the sidewalk with little help.

He gives kisses to me but mostly to daddy.

He blows kisses.

He does an army crawl.

He has decided that books are awesome.

He plays peek-a-boo.

He knows where is head and hair are.

His smile is awesome and even more complete with 1.5 teeth

He gives angry or "sexy" eyes depending on the person.

And most important his attachement-I feel like it is on track. He definetely favors mommy and daddy.

And the boy can eat and eat and eat. He is way to grown (in his opinion) for baby food.

Even sleep is greatly improved! Oh PLEASE God let it say that way.

Weakness

I can't get the boy to sign! Today it is making me nuts because he chooses to scream at me when he wants more. I try to wait and make him do the sign but he just screams more. Any suggestions?

He wants to walk all the time holding my hands (ok this is probably more of a strength). He is not walking, yet.

He does not point at things or communicate that he wants something (like food) except to yell.

His teething is bringing out my greatest weaknesses. Patience! Oh I'm trying I promise but I had no idea how much I was going to get yelled at or how hard it would be to listen to an consistant wine.

Tooth #2

I have had enough of teething! Seriously it is making my sweet little boy an unbearable mess. It has been two weeks. His first tooth came last week and I thought for sure the second tooth would be in within a day or two. It has been over a week and I am holding out hope that it breaks through today.

I had to take him to the pediatrician on Friday because I couldn't tell if he had another ear infection or if it was just the teething. Turns out it was the teething plus a cold. The amount of snot oozing from my boy is overwhelming some days. His ENT appt. was all messed up so we still haven't went. They had us on the wrong day and then the dr. was stuck in the dominican Republic after doing some aid work. Fine by me. I'm still hoping we can get through the next month with no ear ache and be out of the ear infection season.

I think we are un the upswing now. He is screaming and fussy quite a bit due to his teething and frustration about not walking yet. the boy cruises around like nobody's business. He pushes his leap frog toys to the kitchen where he scales the wall to the frig and then makes his way to the stove. Not sure how to handle this? He likes to look at his reflection in the stove but I don't think that is a great idea.

Did I mention that he pooped so much yesterday that it actually got into his hair? That was awesome! He has been known for diarrhea but this went above and beyond.

Judgement Day

March 4th is judgement day. No I don't mean the second coming of Christ. It will mark our 6th month home. Everyone tells you not to judge anything you do the first 6 months of bringing home your child. Survival mode kicks in and you do what you need to do to get through this huge transition.

So now let me be the judge. When we left Ethiopia with Tesfa I thought to myself I 'daycare loved him'. I cared about him and wanted to make sure he was ok and loved him like I loved many kids that had been in my care. This was sufficient. Joel and I were at his beck and call. If we were down stairs watching tv and heard the smallest wimper from his crib it would send us running to him. He was fed whenever he was the slightest bit hungry (sometime I don't even think he was hungry he just wanted to know he was going to be fed). He consumed over 50 ounces of formula a day. About 3 months after coming home I realized his food anxiety was diminishing and is now gone.

While in Ethiopia I joked that I was the 'perfect mom'.

Are you going to use cloth diapers? Yes, I am the perfect mother.

Are you going to co-sleep?

Whatever the question "Yes, I am the perfect mother" was the response. Now of course it was a joke but I am learning more and more that I am not the perfect mother. I don't know if there is such a thing.

I thought I would never want to put him down. I didn't picture myself being ready to run from the house the second my husband came home. I thought I would have endless patience but often found myself crying while trying to get Tesfa to nap. Much of what I thought turned out not to be the case. I never wondered if we had ruined our lives by adding our little boy to the family, but I realized how people could find themselves in that position. The worst part is that I thought I was prepared for the worst. I read about attachement problems, extreme food anxiety, and just about everything else you could think of.

I thought I was prepared to have him sleep in our room for at least a year, but after a few months I was ready to put him in his own room. I actually thought I was going to "breast feed". I had purchased a medela nursing system and was "prepared" to use it. But it only held 3 ounces of formula, was a huge pain in the ass to attach and Tesfa was frustrated trying to figure it out. We only tried it once. With his food anxiety it was not worth it.

The hardest part I think came in November. I had to prepare to take of another child. I was going to start watching my friends little girl 3 days a week. I think added more anxiety for me then I realized. As Tesfa would scream at the thought of sleep all I could think is how am I going to do this and take care of O. Even this week as Tesfa has been converted to a drool and snot factory thanks to teething I wonder how will I get through this and take care of her. Is it ideal-NO! But we figure out a way to make it work.

Friends also told us that we might come home and have a fear of someone taking T away from us. I didn't think this was the case but I did have several dreams about people chasing us and trying to get Tesfa. I ran as fast I as could carrying our baby in hopes that no one would "get him". Even recently I have had thoughts of what if for some reason we were told to give him back to his birth mother. I couldn't imagine my life without him. I find myself more in love with him everyday.

And there was one more thing I was "prepared" for. I really wasn't sure about some family members. Were they going to treat him differently? And if so we were going to need to cut ties with them. The thought broke my heart but I wasn't going to allow anyone to treat my son like a second class citizen. Luckily (not sure that 's the best word for it) the biggest complaint we have gotten is that they don't get to see him enough. If it were up to them we would move a block away from them so they could see T everyday.

Sorry for the even more then normal scattered thoughts. As I try to write my drool factory of a boy beckons.

Technically we haven't been home six months yet-that comes on Friday. So I still have 4 days to become the perfect mother. It seems doubtful.