$$$$$$$ sign received

I received a sign. It wasn't the one I had hoped for.

Financially we can't afford to switch agencies at this point. After paying $4,000 in the last 6 months for my sinus surgery we just can't do it.

So we wait. We have gotten pretty good at waiting. Afterall we've had lots of practice. I am quite tired of waiting but the truth is we will wait as long as we need to. I realize in the scheme of things it could be worse (at least that is what I tell myself).

I know we will survive the wait although it doesn't feel like it at the moment. I am so grateful for all of the support especially from my adoptamommy tribe.

Asking for a sign

I keep asking for some sign on what I am to be doing-on where this adoption path should lead us. Here's the question: What if the sign comes and I am too blind to see it? I really need a slap me in the face, knock me on my ass kind of a sign at the moment.

We have considered increasing our age range. It breaks my heart to think that a child who is 2, 5, 7 or any age is too old to be adopted. But we also know that there is just something about a baby. We would like to have that experience.

So I am up. It is 7a.m. on Sunday morning and I have been awake for 2 hours. I look at the blogs (because what else do you do this early on Sunday morning). I see that a Holt family has received an infant referral after waiting 2 weeks. I am thrilled for them. She is a beauty. They will probably have her home before we have our referral. At what point is enough enough?

My major dilemma: does this get into ethical gray area to switch agencies to get a quicker referral? I just don't see an end in sight with CHSFS. What if we switch and Holt's wait goes up?

I'm also concerned about the embassy and court issues. Larger agencies are taking much longer to get embassy appointments because they only get 20 appts a month.

If we stay with CHSFS I am truly concerned we will get stuck in 2010 court closures! The irony is that I was worried about that for this year as well.

I am questioning every decision I have made and ever possible option. Nobody said it would be this hard!

The New York times thinks I'm neurotic

In case you didn't already know.

...And then there are those considered by researchers (and maybe some others as well) to be neurotic. That’s not a clinical definition, but refers to people more anxious or easily stressed out, said Jacob Hirsh, a graduate student at the University of Toronto who has studied how different people respond to uncertainty.

Mr. Hirsh was the lead author on a study, published in the October issue of the journal Psychological Science, which found that those considered higher on the neuroticism scale would prefer knowing something for sure — even if it’s negative — than not knowing.

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/03/your-money/03shortcuts.html?_r=1

life on hold

17 months That's how long the next family on "The List" has been waiting for an infant referral. Seems likely to think, only 3 more months to go. BUT that is what I thought 3 months ago when families were waiting 14-15 months for referral. I thought we had a chance of knowing by Christmas but that is not possible.

The worst part of waiting for me has been that I put my career on hold. As a self employed photographer I didn't want to book weddings and then tell the bride, "sorry I'll be in Ethiopia". I had thought about starting a career with a large studio. But I didn't want to do that and leave less then a year later. It didn't seem right. Now 14 months later I am wondering-how much longer do I put my life on hold?

Re Posting: IA in a nutshell

This seems even more fitting a year later so I am reposting it. I stole this from someone who posted it on an ethiopadopt group. I think this covers just about everything:

1. Fill out questionnaire.
2. Send check.
3. Fill out big questionnaire.
4. Send another check.
5. Get interviewed. (have a social worker inspect your home- panic)
6. Get fingerprinted twice.
7. Write check.
8. Apply for Visa.
9. Write big check.
10. Get more fingerprints.
11. Get copies of every official certified thing ever written about you
or files on your behalf.
12. Get your friends to write nice things about you.
13. Get them to write more and different nice things about you to put
into the file.
14. Wait forever for the INS to figure out you aren't a terrorist
training camp for toddlers.
(go through this again a little over a year later because you are still waiting)
15. Send another check with your completed file you've copied 9 times
because you want to be sure.
16. Send everything to the agency and hope that this is NOT the one
package they lose today.
17. Wait.
18. Wait some more.
19. Cruise the boards to find out who's getting referrals.
20. Worry that maybe you picked the wrong agency.
21. Wait some more.
22. Get Referral!
23. Send last check.
24. Wait
25. Wait.
26. Check prices for airline tickets.
27. Get shots.
28. Check Passports.
29. Check on Visas for Ethiopia.
30. Wait.
31. Get a court date!
32. Worry you won't pass court.
33. Blame everyone and everything for anyone not passing court.
34. Panic.
35. Pass Court (or not, skip back to 32).
36. Panic some more.
37. Finish the kid's room.
38. Buy more toys.
39. Panic some more.
40. Wait.
41. Get second round of shots.
42. Wonder why there are 6 pages of things you MUST pack for a 10 day
trip.
43. Wonder if ANYONE ever packed that much.
44. Wonder how anyone did and STILL brought things over to donate to the program (feel guilty you couldn't bring more).
45. Meet your child.
46. Joy, mixed with panic because all of the your fears and doubts and
everything else are staring you down and sizing you up.
47. More bureaucracy.
48. Travel back to the USA with a child that thinks he's just been
kidnapped.
49. Kick yourself for not test installing the car seat before you left.
50. Home. Sleep. Panic.
51. Read your child his first bedtime story (that he still can't
understand because he doesn't speak English).
52. Realize that it was all worth it.

I laughed until I cried after reading this.

(I would add one thing around #40: go to baby store and look at things you can't buy because you don't know the sex of your baby or their age/weight)

Simple.

Spirits lifted but still lots of questions

The baby shower or "sprinkling" that my dear friends hosted for me did wonders for my spirit. To top it off our friends Michelle & David passed court for their son on Friday. They will hopefully have him home early 2010.

And while for the time being my spirit is lifted I still struggle. CHSFS announced that wait times have went up again (surprise surprise). They are now quoting 18-24 months. This is a far cry from the original 5-9 months we were told we would wait for referral. In addition to the longer referral times travel after court has increased. A few months ago policies changed and each agency was allowed 10 embassy appointments every two weeks. For a small agency that is fine. But CHSFS recently had 33 cases pass court in one week. At this rate it could easily be 3-6 months after court to bring home our child. Will we seriously wait another year to bring home our child?

CHSFS stopped taking applications for new clients who wish to adopt a child under 2 years old. They said that 90% of clients want children under 2 but only 33% of children in their care fit that criteria.

Excuse me while I brag a bit

But I have the best friends ever!  My friends who are also adoptive mommies had a surprise (surprise doesn't really do it justice) shower for me.  I am overwhelmed.  Really how did I get so lucky?   It helped lift my spirits because as you if you read this blog I have been struggling.  Thank you girls!  

Family Photos & Happy Adoption Awareness Month

We, Harcar Photography,  took family photos last week for adoptive families. Is Eli a poster child for cuteness or what?  

 This reminds me of why we are going through this wait and agony.  

Somehow I survived

It has been 14 months since we were added to the wait list.  And although I am a little bitter I have survived.  I wish I saw the light at the end of the tunnel but I'm not even sure if I see the tunnel.  Everytime I have felt like we are close something happens.  

I have been telling myself that I need to prepare for the worst.  Maybe this won't happen.  Maybe the universe has told us time and time again that it is not meant for us to be parents.  That seems increasingly cruel of the universe.  

And the wait lengthens...again and again and again

We received word today that travel after passing court would be 3-6 months.  I don't think this is permanent. 

What's the reason?  

10 embassy dates every two weeks

33 CHSFS cases passed court last week alone.  

I just can't believe this.  Seems unlikely that it won't effect us since everything else has.  I hate this completely helpless feeling.  

Educational Reading

I am reading the book, The Girls Who Went Away: The hidden History of women who surrendered children for adoptio in the decades before Roe V. Wade.  It is a great book.  It is not cheerful or uplifting as you can imagine, but it does give lots of insight in to what it must be like to be a birth mother.  It's heart breaking that most birth mothers in the 50's and 60's had little to no support (or choice) when surrendering their children for adoption.  

Next on the list, the post-adoption blues: overcoming the unforeseen challenges of adoption.  Joel will be reading I'm Chocolate You're Vanilla.