A Child

Lets call this child "M".  I saw a profile picture of M about two months ago.  Haven't got M out of my head since. Thought of 100 ways that we could make this work.  My husband doesn't love that, but is warming up to the idea.

 M is 5 and bi-racial.  I had hoped that was why M was on the list, but things are never as simple as I want them to be.  I have a feeling we won't be a good match for M but am looking into it regardless ( because I have to know).  Adopting out of birth order may not work for us.  I know very little about M-none of M's history just what they post on the website (age, likes, simple stuff).  Adoption is many things-simple is never one of them.

I'm sad that this child may not become apart of our family but sadder wondering if/when he will become a part of any family.  I'm sad that M has experienced such a trauma (whatever that may be).

Update: got word that it is a no go for us.  thought i'd feel relived but really just cried.

My Son

He is bright and brilliant.  He is a handful sometimes.  He makes me laugh.  He is the love of my life.  He frustrates me sometimes.  He is the best part of my day.

One day he may get into trouble-maybe he'll do one of the 100 things that I did (and never got caught at).

He is a black male that will be judged according to what the media tells people.  This worries me greatly.  Not sure how to change the story that "they" like to tell, but it needs to be done.

Realization

Well it's really pretty obvious but I have come to the realization that we will not be able to have another child if I do not go back to work full-time. Having mixed emotions about this. Part of me looks forward to having a "regular" job with somewhat set hours. The thoughts of more freedom on the weekends seems nice (as opposed to photographing an event every weekend). As much as I'd love to stay home with T until he hits kindergarden I just don't think that is going to happen. I've went back and forth so many times on what makes someone a good mom. Of course, this was before I had a kiddo of my own (when we all know I was the best mother-pre child). I wondered why someone would give up a successful career "just" yes I said just to have kids. Then I wondered why on earth you would have them if you couldn't stay home. Now (post child) I realize you don't have to give up on either. That leaving the house everyday to earn a paycheck doesn't make you any better or worse of a mother. I want what is best for T. And worrying about money and worrying about being able to have another child isn't in his best interest.